- I’m a teenager in secondary school, is it proper for me to start a marital relationship now?
- At what age can I start a relationship?
- How do I find who the will of God for me in marriage is?
- How do I propose or handle marriage proposal after discovering who is God’s will for me?
- Is it proper for a man to marry a woman that is older than him?
- What is the role of one’s pastor in a relationship?
- I love this guy but he doesn’t love me, I can’t stop to think about him, seems am infatuated what can I do? (Applicable to guys also)
- Can I marry a widow as a single guy?
- My partner wants sex before marriage, what do I do?
- Why is it that some people don’t get married early?
Q1: I’m a teenager in secondary school, is it proper for me to start a marital relationship now?
Answer: The quick answer to your question is that it is NOT proper to start a marital relationship as a secondary school teenager.
Marital relationship entails lots of commitment which at your age/ stage will be too early to handle. Remember marriage is not for boys and girls, you need to be mature not just physically to start a relationship, but you have to be matured spiritually, financially, morally, emotionally, mentally and socially.
So for now, concentrate on your studies, career and more importantly, your spiritual growth and maturity.
Q2. At what age can I start a relationship?
Answer: Actually there is no fixed age when one can start a relationship; it all depends on maturity, although some churches fix the minimum age to get married for ladies 21 and for men 25, meaning that relationship can actually start below that age. But the most important thing is that you are mature since marriage is not for boys and girls but for men and women. Maturity is not actually of age because a 27-year-old guy can be immature whereas a 23-year-old guy can be more matured. You need to be matured spiritually, morally, mentally, physically, socially, emotionally and financially. But the most important thing is to allow God to lead and guide you. Don’t try to choose by physical parameters, physique can be deceitful and the heart of man who can know it?. So let God direct you.
Q3: How do I find who the will of God for me in marriage is?
Answer: The very first step to finding out who is God’s will for you in marriage is to ensure you are in God’s will yourself and you know how to find His will in other areas of your life.
When you are in God and allow God to rule your heart, it will be easier for you to hear him and follow His leading when it’s time for you to start a marital relationship. Of course you know we as humans are liable to wrong judgments, wrong assumptions and mistakes due to our finite understanding and limited knowledge but the Infinite, Omnipotent, Omnipresent and the Omniscient God knows the best for you, He sees the heart of everyone, even the deep secrets of our lives. He instituted marriage; He is the manufacturer of marriage, so He knows marriage inside out. Remember how he got a wife for Adam? He caused him to have a deep sleep, you also need to sleep, not physically but in absolute surrender to His will and leading and you can be sure that when you see your spouse you will shout “this is the bone of my bones and the flesh of my flesh” and you will give her that divine name!…same for ladies too, when Eve saw Adam, she wasn’t looking for a dog to marry! She knew “this is my husband” …..
God speaks to people through various ways which include:
- Through the bible
- Through messages or godly counsel
- Through the gift of the Spirit
- Through inner intuition or inward witness
- Through situations and circumstances
- Through word of knowledge
- Through dreams, trance and visions
- Through audible voices
Note: No matter how God speaks to you, the following rules must apply before you can finalize your decision (remember that you are responsible for the choice you make)
- It must not be contrary to the word of God, in other words, it must be in agreement with the scriptures
- It must not contradict God’s nature and character
- It must produce peace and joy in your heart, there must be peace of mind anytime you think about the relationship, you must be convinced.
Conviction in the choice of marriage simply means
- To prove adequately
- No fear, the bible says there is no fear in love, but perfect love cast away fear.
- No double mind
- A strong belief in your decision
- You are fully persuaded
- You have inner satisfaction about your choice
- There is no conflict
- You have the peace of mind about your choice of a life partner.
Q4: How do I propose or handle marriage proposal after discovering who is God’s will for me?
Answer: The following steps will guide you accordingly, although this vary from denominations to denominations, so find out from your pastor what is obtainable in your church. It is not good to go against your church rules and regulations. But generally the following rules are applicable.
- Inform your pastor/ youth pastor after you have prayed through. I see no reason why you can’t inform your pastor about your marriage intentions since you are not looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend.
- The pastor would then investigate, pray and counsel you appropriately on how to go about it.
- The pastor will then give you the go ahead to go and propose, although some churches allow a brother to propose to the sister before coming to inform the pastor about the outcome (so find out)
- When proposing to a lady avoid saying “thus says the Lord” it only amounts to intimidation, let your approach be natural, you can simply say sister I love you, I want to marry you, or can we build a home together?
- Do not hurry the sister to decide fast, give her enough time to confirm and get convinced.
- Sisters should not delay their reply unnecessarily, don’t play the “I’m still praying” game to keep a brother in suspense.
- Sisters should treat every brother that comes to propose to them with respect.
- As a brother, leave room for refusal, but don’t give up easily if you are fully persuaded.
- Pray and act accordingly.
Q5. Is it proper for a man to marry a woman that is older than him?
Answer: There is nothing wrong in a man marrying an older woman. But it requires a great deal of maturity and understanding from both parties. The man despite he’s younger must still be the head of the home and lead the family affairs without any inferiority complex, and the woman who is older must still be submissive, and not see the guy like one of her younger brothers. Where there is perfect love, it’s easy to carry on with, but I will advise that the age difference shouldn’t be too wide to avoid a kind of generational gap or difficulty in fitting into your spouse’s class or circle of friends.
Q6. What is the role of one’s pastor in a relationship?
Answer: The role of your pastor in your relationship depends on the role set by the church authority in agreement with the scriptures, apart from receiving counsels from him and joining you in prayers so as to get the right partner (but note this quickly, you need to be a right partner yourself before asking God for a right partner). Some church’s rule is that you inform your pastor as a brother before you propose marriage to a lady whereas some churches allow the brother to go ahead and propose to the lady and then come to inform the pastor. Find out from your church marriage committee or pastor the rules guiding relationship in your church, some churches even give minimum period your courtship must last before going to the altar, and some have special lessons you both must go through before the wedding date. Don’t just do things on your own like a sheep without a shepherd, after all you can discuss other issues with your pastor, then your relationship must not be an exception, remember you are not looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend but rather a husband/wife. But note that your pastor is not to choose a wife for you, many have been confused by sending names of who they intend to marry to “prophets” to help them determine their choice, you need to be careful, marriage is your own responsibility, the only one that can guide your choice is God. But you need the mentoring and counsel of your spiritual leaders. In the multitude of counsel the bible says there is safety.
Q7: I love this guy but he doesn’t love me, I can’t stop to think about him, seems am infatuated what can I do? (Applicable to guys also)
ANSWER: The answer to your question is straightforward, you are simply wasting your time infatuating and dreaming about a relationship that can’t start or that wont work, and there is no reason to think the guy will change his mind to love you. Now that you know you are infatuated, the way out is to follow this simple steps. (Note: we use his/her to connote opposite sex relationship, so the answer can be applicable to both sexes)
- Define the problem: Know that infatuation thrives on image while love thrives on knowledge. When you fall for someone, you forget that people’s looks change and their careers can change. The fact is that riches can vanish. Understanding this difference will help you draw the line between true love and infatuation (fatal attraction).
- Let God: Allow God lead you into a relationship, remember marriage was not originally man’s idea, it was God’s idea, He started it, made the right person for Adam. So to understand true love, you must first reciprocate God’s love by loving Him and have fellowship with him. With that, you can fully understand what true love is and how to love others also. Then allow God control your heart and guide your choice, this you can accomplish in prayers and studying His word (the bible). Remember what really defines us is not our outward look but our inner being and only God can truly see what no man can see. Also know that when you allow God into your life, He will order your steps. You are special, unique and irreplaceable; therefore let no person make you feel inferior.
- Accept the fact: You can’t make another person fall in love with you. Accept that sad fact and this whole process gets a whole lot easier.
- Quit making excuses: When you’re crushing on someone it’s normal to use any and every excuse you can dream up in order to take pleasure in his/her presence. It can be as little as hiding your bible, so you can borrow his/hers. or as, well, crazy as bringing in an insect from outdoors so you can shriek and ask him/her to come over and murder it. Wherever you fall on that spectrum, it’s time to step off.
- Avoid the object of your affection: This can be difficult if they’re a co-worker, close friend, or person you see nearly every day—but try. If you can’t avoid seeing him/her, put some distance between the two of you. Don’t go to lunch, don’t volunteer to help him/her move, and don’t act as his/her amateur therapist. Don’t be nasty, but don’t be around.
- Get out there! Meet with new people; don’t cage your life with that person you are infatuated about. God has so many handsome sons for His beautiful daughter (vice-versa)
- Do a thorough check: A close study about the person will reveal some flaws about his/her life, meaning that he/she is not really an angel that you can’t but not miss as you always thought.
- Be realistic: For that guy/girl not to really like you simply means you are not his/her type and are not meant for each other. It doesn’t mean you are inferior or not up to his/her class, it only shows that you both are not compatible.
- Get busy: Know what’s more helpful than sitting around crying over someone who doesn’t care about you? Working out! Going for your usual church activities! Doing volunteer work in the Youth Fellowship or even in your community! Reorganizing your life and focusing on your career! Pretty much anything besides sitting around, crying over someone who doesn’t love you!
- Make yourself happy: sing songs, listen to godly soul inspiring music. Don’t allow anything to weigh your spirit down.
- Become the best possible you: Exercise, start eating right, and throw out anything in your closet that makes you feel frumpy. Read a challenging book, read Christian literature and try to learn new skills. The better you feel about yourself, the better the world will treat you.
Q8: Can I marry a widow as a single guy?
Answer: there is nothing wrong in marrying a widow provided God is leading you to do so. But you must be able to bear the additional responsibilities if she already has kids from the previous home and deal with having to win her heart completely so that there won’t be an undue comparison with the late husband. So you need to count the cost and accept the responsibilities before going into it. Same applies to ladies who want to marry a widower.
Q9: My partner wants sex before marriage, what do I do?
Answer: If your partner is a Christian I don’t expect him to demand for sex before marriage, and I’m sure that his demand (verbally or body language) is not just the first time, which is the reason why you are asking for what to do and I assume he’s not also yielding to your advice to wait till you are married. The fact is that any guy that is not ready to wait till you are married before having sex does not qualify to be your husband (in fact you have entered into that relationship initially in error) because true love waits. Quit the relationship if your partner is bent on having sex with you. The person does not have the fear of God and does not respect you also. Ensure you seek the face of God before you enter into another relationship.
Q10: Why is it that some people don’t get married early?
Answer: There are several reasons why people don’t get married early (note: no one is too late to get married because the primary reason for marriage is companionship before other reasons, God said it is not good for the man to be alone, let’s find a help meet for him). Some of the reasons for delayed marriage include:
- Personal choice: some choose not to get married early as a matter of personal choice and for reasons best known to them.
- Past disappointments: some have disappointments in their relationship, like broken relationship after years of courtship, thereby making them start all over again, reasons for breakage can be from wrong choice, partner’s unfaithfulness, and several other reasons. Disappointments and unmet expectations have even made some to suspend issues of relationship with the tag “all guys/girls are the same”. Some before they realize that they are in error, the time has really gone.
- Choice problems: some people have problems of choice as a result of high expectations and judging mainly from the outward appearance. Some are too proud due to their achievements and beauty, thereby missing all godly opportunities only to wake up to reality later.
- Personal goals: some people have set so many goals to achieve before they get married, like higher degrees, personal house, cars etc only to realize that time has gone.
- Poverty: some people are too poor to even care of themselves not to talk of taking care of a family. The time they will get married may be prolonged in the bid to put the basic things in place.
- Parental consent: some people have delayed marriage as a result of spending several years to get their parents’ approval, especially when the parental preference is in opposition to what the child wants.
- Delusion of grandeur: some people spend all their life waiting for a partner who is abroad, only to realize later that the relationship can’t work.
- Emotional reasons: some cannot handle relationship as a result of their emotions (too moody or too temperamental)
- Bad character: some people behave so badly and live a very terrible life that nobody prays to get married to them. Some have used the better part of their life in immoralities, clubbing and partying, womanizing, prostituting and other vices.
- Packaging and personal hygiene: some people take things for granted and don’t really care about their appearance, and hygiene. Some are physically dirty and rough thereby repelling potential suitors. If a good content is badly packaged, it will be hard to get anyone interested.
- Divine timing: God might be working out something great in some people, and they just have to wait a little extra.
- Demonic reasons: some people are operating under demonic curses, spirit husband/wife, thereby making it difficult for them to hold a relationship successfully, some disappointments can be caused by the activities of demonic agents, and some are also under family or ancestral curses where no one has a successful marriage in their lineage.
If in doubt about any answer given above, please discuss with your Pastor!
I wish you the best in your relationship.
I’m your friend,
(Paul is a relationship coach)
You can connect with me directly on Facebook for a chat… https://www.facebook.com/ojomupaul
Watch out for Vol.2 of 100 Answers for singles, with answers to another ten questions.
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