It is becoming clearer day-by-day that the world we live in is morally sick. Moral values seem to be lost among the youths in this generation because of so much misconception about sex and relationships.
It is even more saddening that the issue is as bad in the secular world as it is in the church. Our culture has complicated the situation such that the topic is not open for practical discussion especially with parents and spiritual leaders. This has resulted in the growth of a generation with the wrong orientation on issues about sex and relationships.
The question every single should ask is this: Who would be in the best position to know how to operate a machine effectively? Is it the user of the machine or the manufacturer? Obviously, it is the manufacturer because he will have a broader view about the functionalities of the machine than the user who will definitely have limited knowledge.
Do you know that it is not romantic films or novels that brought about relationships in the first place? It was GOD who looked at Adam in the very beginning and decided that it is not okay for him be alone. God saw the need for Adam to have a ‘babe’ in his life and then decided to form Eve out of him. Adam did not even see the need himself. You will thus agree with me that it is improper to allow romantic movies and novels teach us about relationships. The people who wrote those things are ignorant people themselves on the issues of relationships. They are not the manufacturer; they are fellow users who have corrupted the real purpose the Manufacturer had in mind when HE established relationships in the first place. Hence, the most authentic manual for any relationship between members of the opposite sex is the Manufacturer’s manual i.e. the Bible.
The reason many people misbehave in relationships by having sex is because they think the only thing wrong with sex before marriage is just because God says it is a sin. The truth is that God said it is a sin because it is practically wrong to indulge in sex before marriage.
Many ladies have come to see sex before marriage as normal because they do not place real value on themselves. Know this as a lady, no guy will treat or value you above the value you place on yourself. The value Mr. Bigg’s eatery places on common Scotch egg is such that as little as it costs, no matter who you are, you must pay before you taste it. This is so because the Company has decided to place value on it. So, how come a whole human being (lady) whom God has fearfully and wonderfully made in His own image can be tasted (kissing/smooching) before proper payment (marriage) is made? Is it not sad to know that the value many ladies place on themselves is less than the value eateries place on the smallest of the snacks they sell to the public? We all know that anything that is unused has a much greater value than one that has been used even if it was used only once. This same principle applies to your sexuality. This is why a man will naturally have more respect for a virgin wife on the wedding day than one who has been deflowered before then. Practically speaking, it is not possible for a guy to sleep with a lady before marriage and still respect her. Sex before marriage reduces the value of a lady before the guy – although most guys would prefer that ladies not know this truth.
Moreover, have you ever given this a thought: if sex is a way of expressing love to ladies, why do fathers and brothers always feel irritated or disgusted whenever they suspect that their daughters and sisters are sleeping with a guy they are in a relationship with? The truth is that they know that what they feel for their daughters/sisters is real love; the thought of sex in relation to these ladies would be irritating and disgusting. But when it comes to their girlfriends, sex is then redefined to mean a way of expressing love. This is done only for selfish reasons on the part of the guys.
One day, while speaking with a man, he was seriously complaining about how his girlfriend has made things difficult for him by not allowing him to sleep with her. This is despite all the love he has been showing to her by showering her with assorted gifts. After his lamentation, I asked him a question: how would you feel if your daughter (he had a daughter who was 16 years old at the time) walks up to you and asks what she should do if a friend of hers who is a boy is asking for sex from her. Immediately after my question, you needed to see the way the man’s countenance changed. You could almost see the disgust written all over him. Honestly, my perception of what happened that day is that if he had a gun with him that day, he would probably have gunned me down and I would not be here today.
The question now is this: why was the conversation involving sex with his girlfriend an interesting topic but the moment the scenario changed to that of his own daughter the topic of sex became a disgusting one? The truth is that the man knows that what he feels for his so called girlfriend is lust but what he feels for his daughter is true undiluted love. The major difference between them is that while the former is always looking for what to take without giving anything tangible, the latter is all about unconditional giving. No wonder he will naturally not want any man to touch her until she is legally married. Meanwhile, he will tell his own girlfriend that sex is a major way of expressing love to one’s partner, whether married or not. What a false statement. So as a man, you really need to begin to show true love to your partner/fiancé i.e. the very type of love you will want anybody to show to your own younger sister (if you had one) or to your own daughter (when you eventually have one).
Another illustration I like to give is as follows. Let us imagine that a guy comes to a lady some weeks to their wedding, telling her of a particular tradition in his home town that expects the wife to eat a small quantity of faeces some days to the wedding. What do you think the lady will say about such a disgusting tradition? Would she say that because she loves him very dearly she is willing to eat faeces? I do not think so. This is because she has a very personal conviction that eating faeces is completely wrong. The reason why many young people do the wrong things today, particularly engaging in sex before marriage is because of the lack of this inner and personal conviction that sex before marriage is completely wrong. Many believe, even though they say it is wrong, that it is a necessary evil. This is not necessarily so.
As a guy, you need to realize that sex is not what you should be thinking of perpetually if you really love the lady. Otherwise, you will naturally feel irritated once you are done with the lady. Something deep inside you will tell you that there is nothing to look forward to again in the relationship. The deepest form of rapport you can have with the opposite sex is to indulge in sex with him/her. This is why the excitement about what should naturally happen only during the honeymoon period in a marriage relationship has seriously died down in our world today. How many young people really look forward to their honeymoon night these days? Very few, is the sincere answer to that question because most singles today have eaten and almost finished the ‘honey’ in their ‘moon’ long before the wedding day. No wonder many marriages today looks like ordinary ceremonies since there is sincerely nothing new that begins as a result of the formal solemnization of the relationship between the new husband and wife.
As a guy, ask yourself this question: would you like people to treat your daughter or sister the same way you are treating the lady you refer to as your girlfriend today? Using sex as a way of expressing love to her, knowing fully that you are not officially married to her? If you are honest with yourself you can be sure the answer is not likely to be positive for many people today.
Now back to ladies, I do not think there is any lady that will not get offended if you refer to her (even if it is mistakenly) as a whore. If you sleep with a guy before marrying him, under the guise that he is your fiancé / boyfriend, even though it may sound rather harsh but the hard truth is that there is not much difference between a whore and the one who cheapens herself by indulging in sex before marriage. One thing is common to the whore and the ‘decent lady’ sleeping with her boyfriend: both have very low sense of value and self-worth. Please do not misunderstand the point here. Nobody is saying you should be unnecessarily pompous or proud; neither is anyone saying that relationship with guys is bad since it was God who brought the idea of relationship with the opposite sex in the first place. But if you have to be in a relationship, please let it be a respectable one where you will be valued and respected as a lady. The least you can do for yourself in order to become a more responsible lady in this generation is to create value for yourself. Nobody can do this for you.
As a guy, please be reminded again that you are supposed to increase the value of any lady you are in relationship with and not to reduce it by having sex with her. At this point, I know some people begin to wonder if it is possible to live a life without having sex as a single person. The correct answer is that it is very much possible but you must have some guiding principles that will help on this seemingly tough decision of yours.
First, one of the factors responsible for making singles think sex before marriage is normal is their mindset. Your mindset should be such that, the same disgust you have just thinking about eating feces should be the same disgust you have towards having sex before marriage. It is written very clearly in the scriptures that “as a man thinks in his heart so is he”.1So if you really want to live a life with the right mindset on sex, you need to practically renew your thoughts on sex before marriage. This is because if your mindset is not right, it will only be a question of time before your actions will obey what is exactly in your mind.
If you are going to change your mind set on sex before marriage, you need to take the second point very seriously. If the society must live in the reality of putting sex where it really belongs, there is a strong need to radically change the kind of mindset we presently have towards sex. Otherwise, things will only go from bad to worse in the years ahead.
Unfortunately, we are beginning to see some bad signals. About a year ago, there was a video that went viral on internet: a four year old boy having sex with an eleven year old girl. It was a very disgusting and disturbing footage because they were both too young for the kind of perversion they were involved in. To worsen the situation, from their mannerism, it did not look like they were beginners in the act. It actually looked like they had been actively engaged in sex for a long time. This is really a very sad story. There is therefore an urgent need to realign our minds as singles. Else, the level of perversion and moral decadence as highlighted above will be minute compared to what will happen in the future generation.
Secondly, do you know that the mindset you have is primarily dependent on the kind of stuff you take into your system? So ask yourself: what kind of books do I read? What kind of music do I listen to? What kind of films do I watch? Sincere and honest answers to these questions will let you to know why you have the kind of mindset that you presently have. If, for example, as a single you spend time reading romantic novels, watching romantic films and also listening to suggestive music about sex where kissing and smooching are suggested ways of expressing love either as a single or married, then you can be sure that you are not likely to have the right mindset. You would have filled up your entire system with junks that will not help you to have the best attitude on the matter. As a result, anytime you are with the opposite sex, the things you have filled your system with will suddenly jump out and you will want to obey what your mind is telling you. This is the reason many youths and singles indulge in kissing, smooching, sex and all types of perversions today. This explains why the guy would desire that his hands go to the wrong places on a lady’s body the moment he is alone with her. Those are the things he has filled up his system with. Also, for a lady who has done the same, when she finds herself alone with a man who tries to fondle her body, rather than call the guy to order, she finds herself telling the guy to stop the act but at the same time, she moves her body closer to the guy. Another thing is that all those materials will give you a false impression that sex before marriage is normal, with no negative consequences. Romantic novels like Mills & Boons would have us believe their constant lies – “and they lived happily thereafter”.
Hence, it becomes essential for you to begin an audit of these things: the books you read, the type music you listen to and the kind of movies you watch. Never stop asking yourself this question – all these things I have exposed myself to, how have they helped or how are they helping my life?
Thirdly, after ensuring that you have eliminated reading the wrong books, listening to the wrong music and watching the wrong movies, the next step is to find a replacement for those things you have discarded. We live in a world where it is now relatively easier to live the real Christian life -for those that really want to live the life. This is unlike many years ago when it seemed practically impossible to live the Christian life because of the severe drought materials. Now, there are so many types of Christian music one can listen to that really have nice rhythm and beats, along with words that edify. So we cannot truthfully say that the reason we do not listen to edifying music is because they are not available. The same applies to the number of Christian movies we have around us today. These have the capacity to really help many Christians who are movie lovers not to derail. The films are quite interesting and yet they pass across concrete messages to the audience. This is unlike when you watch all those other romantic or unedifying films. You will discover that the unedifying films will not add anything of significance to your life. In fact, it will make you worse than you were before you watched the film. We must ensure we take time to read the word of God and meditate on it daily. When we now begin to read edifying books, listen to edifying music and also take time to watch edifying Christian films, very soon we will have the right mindset as a Christian single. Our lives will no longer be filled with junks but with things that make us better Christian singles on a daily basis. Another thing that creates wrong mindset is the kind of things we see all around us.
Today, quite a number of television adverts seem to prefer the use of scantily dressed or practically naked ladies to do such adverts. The question that readily comes to mind therefore is: why is this situation like this? That is to let us know that almost everything we do now suggests that sex is a very important aspect of our lives, either as singles or as married. Please do not be misguided on this issue. When we come to the subject of the married people, sex is one of the most important aspects of marriage. It physically increases the bond between husband and wife within the context of a proper marriage. In the case of the singles, sex brings a lot of disrespect, unfaithfulness and lack of trust into such relationships. When a couple who are not married engage in sexual activities, they are not likely to trust themselves when they eventually get married. Particularly when either of them needs to travel, lack of trust easily sets in. That can start the process that may ultimately lead to the collapse of such relationships in the future.
Fourthly, the issue of dressing is another important issue to be addressed. There is a very common saying that it is the way you dress that you will be addressed. The uniqueness of a lady is in the design of her body. It was specially formed in such a way that it should be properly packaged; otherwise it will be seriously abused. Unfortunately, many ladies do not seem to understand why they need to cover up properly. This is because private parts are supposed to remain what they actually are – private. This means that it should be for your (i.e. the owner of the body herself) eyes only and not for public consumption.
Excessively tight dresses should also be avoided. Guys are naturally attracted to what they see in the opposite sex, so if a particular dress is excessively tight it will not be much different from when the lady is completely naked since her dress will completely outline her figure. The best you can achieve with such dresses is to make guys lust after your body, not the person beneath. As such they will be willing to do anything to be in relationship with you, all in a bid to eventually touch you and sleep with you. After that, they will look down on you and probably runaway thereafter. With this kind of dressing, you may never get true love.
This is article is a chapter from the book “5 Important Questions for Singles” by Olanrewaju Kehinde.
Olanrewaju Kehinde is a conference speaker, and also very passionate about the singles ministry. Above all, he loves the Lord affectionately
You can contact him to get a copy of the book : Email: email@example.com
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